The Mistrials

G. Scott Rainey

He will leave you confused with his lucid crazy talk, making confusion more transparent than reality is opaque. Confused? We are.  Not to fear. He is the profound if not altogether obscure resident alien of the show. An inscrutable idiot savant for the road not taken, he long ago came to a fork in the road and stepped on it, instead of taking it. An oracle ripped from under an existential rock for our inglorious bemusement, he is nothing if not the ultimate contrarian, with a rare gift for confusing the trees with the forest. Always inappropriate, he is a veritable Chancy Gardner for the studio’s potted plants and other unwanted guests. Sometimes he thinks birds are talking through him. G. Scott Rainey is the only one in the world who correctly answered the age old question “which came first the chicken or the egg”.  As the resident court reporter/press/philosopher he gives the audience the 411 on the latest trials and events around the Detroit area. Be warned, anything of substance G. Scott has to say is within a fixed time frame of lucidity, so you better have a good mental sieve to determine the genius from the crazy talk.

The World’s Most Pissed Off Guy

The World’s Most Pissed Off Guy–(If he finds out I mentioned his name he’ll kill me).  You’ll just have to listen to the show to figure out who he is.  He lives to vent his spleen on basically everything he encounters. If you put your ear to your radio’s speaker and tune out The Rock ‘n’ Roll Lawyer for a quick second, all you will be able to hear is white noise and his intrepid snarls. He brings rancor and befuddlement to a level never before attained. So much so that after you listen to the show you will feel so much better about your life just because you are not him. Otherwise you may need to seek the counsel of a good exorcist. He is also the epitome of domestic tranquility, sparks and all.

The Lawyers Practicing Law without a License

Drewfiss

His unmistakable infectious laugh is on par with Ed McMahon’s. He is the exchequer general responsible for the studio’s notorious sound warp and holds a sonic vigil over each and every one of us on par with even the most forlorn of radio heads. This is the only guy who brings his own equipment to the show. He is ambidextrous with a mic in one hand and a woofer in the other, which doesn’t free up until bedtime; this is the least of his quirks. Well known as the Rock ‘n’ Roll Lawyer’s loyal sidekick who tries to emulate Barney Fife at a moment’s notice, Drewfiss has a pharmacy bill to show for it. His ability to provide so bountiful a wealth of useless FYIs takes second fiddle to his first rate legal mind and research skills which are put to a test with the dead air that Sheldon creates when his brain freezes.

The Moyle (also spelled Mohel)

Ironically nicknamed after the person in a Jewish ceremony that circumcises young boys, the Moyle’s “one-liners”, just like real Moyles, takes you by surprise and leaves you wondering, “What the f**** just happened?” Not a real talker on the show, in fact there is a better chance of my ninety-year old grandmother getting pregnant than the Moyle saying more than two sentences on the air. The Moyle makes up for that with his epic one-liners called home-runs. Tune in so that you can hear him stretch his double entendres from a single to a four bagger. When you need a hit, he’s the perfect pinch hitter. He has a great eye for undressing coeds and finding the strike zone, and then getting arrested for stalking.

Da Canadiens, eh?

How do you spell Canada? C-eh? N-eh? D-eh? These two would probably kill me and then say sorry profusely after reading this bio. Okay, enough with the Canadian jokes. What can you say about Steven and Andrew other than they have a wide array of musical knowledge and insight into Canadian Law–too bad we live in the USA and Sheldon has combs older than some of the musical acts that they listen to. They possess tunnel vision as they are only occasionally caught up in border crossing stings and international misunderstandings. Despite all this, they keep the Rock and Roll Lawyer hip to the latest trends in music and fashion: indie rock, screamo, hardcore, boxer-briefs, etc.

Miss P.T.A (Sheldon’s Boss)

Behind every Rock & Roll Lawyer there is a Miss P.T.A. She is the ampersand to the Rock & Roll Lawyer in that she holds him together and runs his life. Unfortunately, Miss P.T.A. is too embarrassed to come on the show but be sure she’ll be waiting outside the studio with soap to wash our mouths with and a big paddle to keep the staff all in line.  You can call Lisa at 248 539-1111 for legal appointments,  to booking shows or for any motherly advice you need.

The Professor

He holds the time honored badge of honor. Knowledge. This is due to his superior understanding of the music, the men, the women, the artists, the producers, the side players, all in minute historical terms. The Professor knows, and the rest of us know he “nose”.   Thank you Professor for saving us from ourselves, so mired are we with only cursory understanding of the material we all love. We are the experts, he is the master. Who did what to whom in the record studio 60 years ago? Hell, the Professor knows what they even wanted to say to each other but never did. We are in awe of this man of modesty and flawless execution. Tune in. Listen. Be educated. You’ll have plenty of water cooler conversation to last you all week long. Impress your friends. Listen to his commentary. Learn to know the music like no other, because “that’s what we do.”

Jim “The Voice” Henderson

Jim “The Voice” Henderson, how does Jim follow all that.  His voice with all of his years in radio can mullify a herd of elephants and sometimes buffalo.   They’ll roll up a chair and have a tonic on him. Jim is the longest running crew member with the Professor and has watched the show evolve and valiantly tries to keep the show from going down the tubes.   He can out tongue twister anyone. Say theophillus, thistle 10 times…..  and don’t try that while operating heavy machinery.

Jimmy James

Radio veteran and one half of the rock ‘n’ roll brain trust.  His years of disc jockeying down the classic paths of glory are gilded with solid gold and many of the lesser known sides as well. With his encyclopedic knowledge of classic rock ‘n’ roll and the history of its artist’s make this dynamic duo a rarity in radio. They are the Ruth and Gehrig of Rock & Roll.  His ability to come up with show rarities adds to already impressive set list.  While doing all that, he manages to engineer our ship of state to it’s divine intervention that hits the air waves every Friday on WCXI 1160 AM. at 6 PM.  Tune in baby, don’t hate yourself in the morning.

The Graduates

Liz the Lizard

The only rose amongst the thorns. The one bun in the entire sausage fest. The only shield in the sword fight. Basically, the only girl in the studio. With that you can imagine all the eye-rolling that goes on. Surprisingly, Lizzy takes it all in stride with her put-together demeanor and elegant designer attire. We all argue over the hue of her luscious nail polish.  Yet she has never called building security on us schloubs.  Other than G. Scott Rainey, she provides the only female perspective and is not afraid of going into detail. Let’s just say it makes for good dysfunctional radio.

The Team behind The Team

Cheri Clair (The Publicist)

Having had her hand in all aspects of local entertainment from playing to journalising to booking and promoting for over 20 years, Cheri serves as Publicist of the program. The oft-deluded, slightly eccentric Cheri has such loyalty and faith in the RRLS, and its host, she assures us all she is in the process of making Sheldon a big, big star. Keep up to date with Cheri for various facts, tidbits, pics and updates on the show at www.facebook.com/cheri.detroit

Efren “Butch” Baria (The Webmaster)

He basically spends most of his time trying to teach Sheldon the magical wonders and powers of the internet. When he’s not doing that, he tries to make this website look all Rock and Roll Lawyer like. MAGIC!! See his magical online home at http://yougotefren.com.